I don't know where the sunlight ends and the starlight begins

It's all a mystery...

I spent the whole day yesterday laying around when I could have gotten things done. I just did NOT feel motivated, whatsoever. I've got the major depressies still... Trying to make the best of things but having the hardest time.

For starters, I'm worried about my husbands health. He has to stop drinking so much if he's going to make it to his 50th birthday. He is 39 years old and too old to be drinking so much damn beer. At least it's not hard alcohol, but it's still alcohol. I try to talk to him in a non accusatory way so that he doesn't feel threatened. He has to be ready to stop.

Then there's my job... I still have it, but I'm hanging by a thread. Boss gave us notice this time, that if we continue to be slow (we've slowed down again and it's making her panic as usual) we're going to have our hours cut again in January. I've been looking for a job, but not hard enough. I have to physically walk into some of the places I want to work and I haven't gotten the courage yet, especially during these horrible times. Plus, I'm not really sure where I want to work or what the fuck I want to do. I don't care enough... It's so difficult out there. *whah* Excuses, excuses...

It seems my insecurity is back with a vengeance as well. Thinking and worrying too much have put me here. I can't seem to commit to anything...exercising more, eating better, smoking less... I feel okay, but I know I could be better.

And this endless urge to get out of here. I'm so tired of Los Angeles and the surrounding overcrowdedness. I long to go somewhere quiet where there aren't so many fucking people everywhere. But for now I'm stuck here.

Why am I so angry at the world and at myself? Why can't I just accept it and move on? All of this endless worrying and anger is going to shorten my life.

*sigh*

Enough whining for now. How about the stuff I have to look FORWARD to? Well, we've got the Metallica concert up north next weekend. Then we have the much anticipated Fantomas concert in San Francisco with my darling Mike Patton. And since we won't be able to do Hawaii this year, we're going to Lake Tahoe in February instead. I'd rather be scuba diving instead of falling on my ass trying to snowboard again, but it'll still be a beautiful vacation that's spent somewhere relaxing and nature-y instead of at home. I hope the local mountains get a least a little snow soon so that I can get a little practice in...

Another thing to look forward to? Rescuing a large parrot. Ron wants one almost as much as I do. We'll be doing some research for a while. We obviously can't have a large macaw at our apartment so I'm just going to have to be patient. It'll be worth it though...someday I will have my jungle room.