Kinda okay

That's how I've been feeling this whole week. Let's see what's knocking around in the rooms of my mind, shall we?

1. I'm happy that Ron has been home nights again this week, due to the fact that the school he's working at is on Spring Break. But I'm dreading him going back to nights again next week and am trying not to let my mood go sour over it because it will just cause a fight because I know he prefers the night schedule.

2. The whole concept of Spring Break...I miss it so. I miss vacation days. I haven't been able to take any since my honeymoon. Call me spoiled, but I get two weeks of paid vacay a year and I like to use them one week at a time...one in the winter and one in the summer...or I'd like to break up one of the weeks and take some vacation days individually. I haven't been able to do either yet this year because my boss is always traveling, moving, gone and busy while I hold down the fort here. When she *is* here, it's work work work work stay late, earn your raise, guilt guilt, earn your benefits, blah blah. I think I'm feeling generally burnt on work again lately anyway. But I'm lazy and wish I could just stay home and take care of six thousand pets.

3. The economy sucks, our president is a shithead and the world is continuing to go to selfish hell...which brings me to...

4. People are entirely too selfish and wrapped up in themselves, their accomplishments, their stuff, their money, their cars, their children, their UTTER EXISTENCE. It's like, news flash, we're no longer special as individuals. There are at least 200,000 other people out there like me or you or whoever. We're nothing but fucking cockroaches. And yo, it's been done before. I know...I'm too obsessed with this...

5. I can't get this fear of having children out of my head. Back and forth up and down. I know I'd be a good mom, I'm not worried about that...it's just this total lack of desire. I think it has a lot to do with all the ups and downs my marriage is going through right now. It's been a tough first year, to say the least. We've both got so much on our minds and we've been bickering on and off all year. Yes, our first year anniversary is coming up already. I just couldn't imagine bringing children into my life at any time soon. Especially with Ron on this shitty schedule and all this crap in our apartment. He actually mentioned last week that he'd like to start trying this coming September. I went ahead and made it clear that there was NO WAY IN HELL that was happening. We both have to grow up...I care more about a fish tank and he seems to care more about his bikes...than either of us could muster up for a child. The only thing I'm ready to do by September is get my meds in order. I need switch to something that I'm allowed to take while pregnant. I'm scared to death of switching meds and will definately do it through my doctor, but there is just no way. And I REFUSE to have a child with Ron working nights. I need my husband around for that shit. But for now I'm just dreading having a child...I don't know, I just don't wanna do it. I don't wanna make that sacrifice? Does that make me incredibly selfish or what?

6. I obviously can't concentrate on work again. I don't wanna work. Our prices are rising again, my boss is being NUTS 'cause she's leaving for another month and a half on Monday and I'm tired of this stupid industry.

Okay, that's all for now. I'm making myself depressed again and that just doesn't work. I gotta be happy. I have a lot. But I could lose it all in a second. Is that not the DEFINITION of anxiety? It's wrong. I have to believe in something...myself, faith, whatever. Fuck. I'm gonna drive myself insane. Bye.