T-minus two...and a new hair-do!

Two more days. TWO MORE. I'm at work today, unfortunately. Boss doesn't get back until this afternoon. Then I am FREE! FREEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!! I will come back a Mrs. Woowoooooo!!!

My previous entry got too long and I neglected to talk about a new toy I'd purchased during my bridesmaid shop-a-thon last Friday. I saved it for today...a day on which I simply cannot concentrate on work because I'M GETTING MARRIED.

Just in case ya didn't know... Yea...

*sniff*

SO...

As I was a-strollin' through the mall, I was stopped by a woman selling these flat-iron thingies at a kiosk in the middle of the mall. You know...one of those things that you just want to say, "NO, thank you.", and move along on your merry way. But something told me to listen as she asked me to sit down and let her try the machine on my hair. It looked like a flat-iron...like one of those crimpers from the 80's but with flat surfaces to fry your hair. It looks sorta like this...



That's just the thing though, this iron works with ionic technology. It doesn't fry your hair at all! The surfaces are ceramic, so the heat flows through them instead of intensifying like metal makes it do. The "ionic action" or whatever, with the ceramic plates dries damp hair, while retaining the moisture within. The results are amazing! I've never seen anything like it.

I sound like a fucking infomercial. I swear, I just typed everything out as it dun flowed outta my thoughts. How utterly generic. Especially those last three sentences! Now all we need is the voiceover,

"AND THAT'S NOT ALL! IT SLICES, DICES AND CLEANS YOUR BUTTHAIR! ALL WITH THE PUSH OF A BUTTON!"

*Canned laughter*

I'm so excited by this stupid thing because I'm no stranger to the ravages of not liking the hair God gave you. Born with kinky curls, wanting smooth strands, I used to chemically straighten my hair. For seven years I slathered that stinking, scorching shit on my scalp. Yea, I know... All for the sake of beauty! More for the immature, stupid desire to be like everyone else. I'd started out just doing just my bangs, the unruliest part of my head of hair, besides the crown (ugh!). I did it at home with one o' them thar kits. Ouch. Two years and many broken off patches of hair later (hmmm, what's that floating by me in the pool?) I decided to forego further hair and scalp damage get the whole nasty process done by a professional. You haven't experienced true vanity until a "beauty" product has damaged a vital body part. And by vital body part I mean MY SKIN. THE LARGEST ORGAN OF THE BODY. The memory of the frisbee-sized scab that peeled off my head like dried Elmers glue off the palm of my hand will be with me forever...or until my brain melts with old age, anyway. Ya know whut's kewl 'bout a head scab? It's got uh buncha teeeeny lil' holes in it! I had to kinda pull it upward through my hair. Gross, but at the same time, so very fascinating!

By year five my former bush head had lost most of its body. The heat styling I had to do! For two more years...every time I washed it. Blow dry. Fizzle. Curling iron. Fizzle FIZZLE. Never would I DREAM of letting it dry naturally after a shampoo, no NO! It'd take hours to dry and end up a frizzy, tangly mop. Think of the matted, grayblack strands of an ancient, filthy mop that's been sitting in a damp corner for ten years. I exaggerate, yes. Didn't SMELL like that, but it certainly felt and looked a helluva lot like that. I also couldn't dream of brushing it. Its elasticity was SHOT. Like brushing bubblegum, even when it was finally dry after the horrid styling ritual. Needless to say, I finally let the roots grow out long enough so that I could cut all the damaged, straightened shit OFF! I couldn't believe my hair after that. The curls had somehow become soft and manageable. My hair wasn't the dry, kinky mess I'd been battling to hide all of those years. Ahhh...hormones. Yes, I guess the 'ol raging teenage hormones had finally calmed down by then and changed the texture of my hair.

And now...now they have wonderful stying products and tools for naturally curly hair. So it only took me about 25 years to learn to style the lambs wool atop my head. Take a gander at the lovely results of the magical ionic styling tool...

Before...


(My hair was actually quite a bit shorter here!)

After...


(Aaaaaaahhhhh)

And another one with it pulled back...


Isn't that lovely?

Okay, now it's time to get things wrapped up at work. I am being a total space cadet today. Must. Finish. Now.