Stormy

Wow, this is a REAL picture. If it weren't for the lighting, this monster wouldn't even be able to be seen as it hurtles its way toward distruction. I couldn't imagine how scary these things must be. "Quick!!! Ruth Ann, Bobbi Joe, Mary Jane, Rootie Tootie, Bennie Hahna, Willie Nillie, Angel Dust, Joe Dirt...get into the cellar!!! NOOOoooowww!!!!!!!!"

Yea.

This picture is kinda how I feel inside this week. I was in such a great mood last week and over the weekend. Then CRASH BOOM BAM, sad I am. Hehe. Little rhyme there. So I'm just feeling low. I'm letting my insignificant worries take over again and I'm physically exhausted. And maybe I had a little TOO much fun over the weekend, I don't know. I miss Ron a lot. Damn, I'm too co-dependent! I just hate coming home to an empty house every day during the week. *sigh* *HEAVY SIGH*

Well it humpy hump day already so I think I can, I think I can, I think I CAN make it! Though I wasn't sure yesterday after work... I had a complete and total ballistic panic attack because our security gate that leads into the back lot of the building (where there's all sorts of stuff, including merchandise and a PORSCHE) wouldn't go down. I noticed it was up as I was packing my car to leave. This made me very nervous because my boss is in Poland, it was after five and it's impossible to get ahold of the gate service guy, even during business hours. I remembered that we'd had this same problem six months ago and it turned out to be a button that was stuck on one of the remotes. I'm the only one with a remote, as my boss' was probably at his house. So I got mine out of my cars glovebox and started fooling with the button. Nothing. Panic. So I got the ladder from inside and pulled the release chain that's attached to the motor. It would come down and then go right back up. After doing this several times I felt the panic start to surge through me. Tired. Depressed. Want to go home. No one to help me. Don't know what to do. Don't know what to do. Can't think clearly. I try to repeat my mantra...calm down, don't cray, calm down, panicking isn't going to do anything CALM DOWN STUPID! Deep breath. Then I remember...the reset button! There's gotta be one! Got back up on the ladder and THERE IT WAS! Pressed it, nothing happens. Pressed again...nothing. PANIC. CRY. PANIC. STOP. Breathe... Press another button right next to it. Gate comes down...*wheewwwwww*

I was so relieved it felt like my brain was melting and pouring out of my ears. That's what it feels like, to me, when a panic attack is over. Light headed. Beating in my brain. I tested my remote a few times and the gate worked fine. So I left. I felt horrible on the drive home. Pathetic for not being able to control myself in a situation. No one saw though, I was all alone. I guess it's another lesson in what panicking helps...absolutely NOTHING. My poor body. The stress coursing through it isn't good for me, I'm sure. I got home, sat down and tried to concentrate on relaxing. But I had tons of laundry to do. I went to it and when I was finally done I laid down on the couch, watched t.v. and promptly fell asleep.

Today I feel a bit better. I'm going to exercise after work again. I haven't since last week. I've just been too tired this week. But it should make me feel much better afterwards. Then I'm going to go home and take a nice, hot shower and make myself a yummy dinner. There's something to look forward to. I guess. M'kay...that's it for now.