Artichoke fest

Hi there. Wow, it's Friday the 13th. Isn't that grand? It's gonna be a fun weekend. Melanie and I are finally going to make it up north to the artichoke festival. Yes, we are dorks like that...gonna go eat artichokes fried, artichokes baked, artichokes steamed, artichokes barbequed artichokes artichokes ARTICHOKES. We love them and have been planning on going to this festival for the past four years, 'cept something always comes up. Not this year. This year we get to just take off and go have fun for a few days. I can't wait. I'm looking forward to the drive, too. It's FIVE hours up north. I don't know what it is but I just love long drives. Especially when someone else is driving! So we're probably going to leave around 8 or 9 tonight, get there and take a nap in the car and then head to the festivities. It goes from noon 'til six on both Saturday and Sunday. So we're not sure when we're going to leave tomorrow. We may finish it out or head home early. It's fun to just play these things by ear.

I'm kind of down today. I'm not getting my raise that I'd hoped for. At least not THIS pay period anyway. May 11th marked my two year anniversary at the company and one year since my last raise. I emailed the owner, my other boss, in Poland, patting myself on the back for being here two years...you know, as kind of a *hint* *hint*. All I got was a vertual pat on the back and congrats from her. Great. Thanks. I guess I can't just EXPECT a raise, even though the company is doing better than it had last year AND I've "improved 100%" (as quoted by the owner) from the slacker dork I was when I started here. Oh well, I guess I'll ask my boss who is here with me every day how he thinks I'm doing and if there's anything I can improve upon. I did the same thing last year when I hit the year mark. There are no annual evaluations here. I just have to do it myself. I'm just afraid I've hit the ceiling here as far as salary and that I'm going to have to *gulp* go back to school and get more training in order to be worth more. It sucks because I hate school AND I hate working, even if it's doing something I'm supposed to enjoy. I've got a couple more illustration projects on the table and I JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE DRAWING. Ugh. Fuck, what is wrong with me?? I wonder how many times that particular rhetorical question has been asked on the internet. I should do a survey... Fuck, I'm just a lazy bitch. I shoulda been born a cat. My favorite thing to do is daydream. Wish I could make a career outta that.

Working for small companies is cool, but it sucks too. The main thing that sucks is the fact that I don't have insurance coverage. I have to buy my own. All I can afford right now are bullshit 'savings plans' that gouge my pocket and don't save me SHIT on my expensive fucking medication. I was very disappointed this week to find that the new plan I just bought saves me a whole .75 on my meds. Fucking BULLSHIT. I guess it's back to the drawing board, but not before losing lots of money. I'm good at that.

I'm just bummed. I shouldn't be. I keep thinking mind over matter. Don't worry so much. Ron keeps telling me not to worry but he just doesn't understand. It'll take him more time I guess. I've told him that this is just ME, this is how I am. I'm sorry. He of course tells me I don't have to apologize for being the way I am, that he'll help me, don't worry... I can't help but worry, almost constantly. It's a lot better since I'm taking this stupid medication though. I just keep going around in the same damn circle. Little improvements here and there but it's always the same. I'm sorry, I just can't be happy all the time. I have the bored feeling again. I think this trip will help. I wish I could go somewhere with Ron, but we're both broke. AGAIN. I suppose we could do something cheap...I'm so bad at planning things. I always leave it up to the guy. I shouldn't do that.

I've been adding to this all morning. I need to close this distraction and get back to focusing. Something that's almost impossible for my bored mind to do. I might write later.