Kinda okay

That's how I've been feeling this whole week. Let's see what's knocking around in the rooms of my mind, shall we?

1. I'm happy that Ron has been home nights again this week, due to the fact that the school he's working at is on Spring Break. But I'm dreading him going back to nights again next week and am trying not to let my mood go sour over it because it will just cause a fight because I know he prefers the night schedule.

2. The whole concept of Spring Break...I miss it so. I miss vacation days. I haven't been able to take any since my honeymoon. Call me spoiled, but I get two weeks of paid vacay a year and I like to use them one week at a time...one in the winter and one in the summer...or I'd like to break up one of the weeks and take some vacation days individually. I haven't been able to do either yet this year because my boss is always traveling, moving, gone and busy while I hold down the fort here. When she *is* here, it's work work work work stay late, earn your raise, guilt guilt, earn your benefits, blah blah. I think I'm feeling generally burnt on work again lately anyway. But I'm lazy and wish I could just stay home and take care of six thousand pets.

3. The economy sucks, our president is a shithead and the world is continuing to go to selfish hell...which brings me to...

4. People are entirely too selfish and wrapped up in themselves, their accomplishments, their stuff, their money, their cars, their children, their UTTER EXISTENCE. It's like, news flash, we're no longer special as individuals. There are at least 200,000 other people out there like me or you or whoever. We're nothing but fucking cockroaches. And yo, it's been done before. I know...I'm too obsessed with this...

5. I can't get this fear of having children out of my head. Back and forth up and down. I know I'd be a good mom, I'm not worried about that...it's just this total lack of desire. I think it has a lot to do with all the ups and downs my marriage is going through right now. It's been a tough first year, to say the least. We've both got so much on our minds and we've been bickering on and off all year. Yes, our first year anniversary is coming up already. I just couldn't imagine bringing children into my life at any time soon. Especially with Ron on this shitty schedule and all this crap in our apartment. He actually mentioned last week that he'd like to start trying this coming September. I went ahead and made it clear that there was NO WAY IN HELL that was happening. We both have to grow up...I care more about a fish tank and he seems to care more about his bikes...than either of us could muster up for a child. The only thing I'm ready to do by September is get my meds in order. I need switch to something that I'm allowed to take while pregnant. I'm scared to death of switching meds and will definately do it through my doctor, but there is just no way. And I REFUSE to have a child with Ron working nights. I need my husband around for that shit. But for now I'm just dreading having a child...I don't know, I just don't wanna do it. I don't wanna make that sacrifice? Does that make me incredibly selfish or what?

6. I obviously can't concentrate on work again. I don't wanna work. Our prices are rising again, my boss is being NUTS 'cause she's leaving for another month and a half on Monday and I'm tired of this stupid industry.

Okay, that's all for now. I'm making myself depressed again and that just doesn't work. I gotta be happy. I have a lot. But I could lose it all in a second. Is that not the DEFINITION of anxiety? It's wrong. I have to believe in something...myself, faith, whatever. Fuck. I'm gonna drive myself insane. Bye.

Things are coming to life!

Well, gee...no one has commented on my pictures yet. *sniff* I know...just another boring fish tank. *ssssiiiiggghhhh*

Just kidding! Heehee!

Anyway, the tank's been running about a week and I've had a few live rocks in it since Saturday. As of Tuesday, I started to notice things were hap' nin'. There are cute little animals all over the rocks and have started rearing their tiny flagella.

Monday night I slept on the couch in order to avoid Mr. sickie spreadin' his sickies to me. Well I peeked in the tank early Tuesday morning as I headed toward the bathroom and noticed a threadlike thing flowing in the current. A transparent, feathery appendage gracefully dancing in the dim light. I followed it from tip to the tiny pore on the rock it protruded from, which as a total of about 4 or 5 inches. Later that night when I turned on the light (hey, that rhymes! derg) I saw the hairy thing again. As I watched, it reeeeeeeeled itself into the pore on the rock. It was all, *zzzzzzzziiiiiiiiiiiiippp*. Hehehehee! I've also noticed that some of the polyps on one of the rocks are still alive, even ones that I thought were dead are coming back. They have mushroom stems with sunflower looking ends. Man, it's hard to describe...I gotta charge the camera this weekend and take some close ups. Then there are the snails. I saw a different kind of snail last night, besides the black n' white stripies. This one was a little bigger (about the size of a pencil eraser) with a creamy colored shell. It was trying to crawl on the back part of the tank and had left a little zig-zag trail in the sand residue. A little while later, I noticed the snail, its back on the sandy bottom, with its slime trail suspended between it and the wall. A couple of grains of sand were stuck in the slime, blowing in the current. Then I saw a tiny shrimp skeleton blow by. Yes, there are teeeeeeeeeeeeny brown and white shrimp living in the rocks, too.

Good gawd! And this is only like, eight pieces of rock! I still have to add about another 25 pounds of the stuff! These guys get the BEST rock, it's got all this life on it and it's only $2.99 a pound! The rocks I got before had half the life and cost $4 - $5 a pound. I've made myself wait at least a week before I get more rock. So come Saturday, I'm gonna get about another 10 pounds. This time it'll be some from their more expensive selection. They've got some gorgeous purple rocks in the $4 - $5 bin. TONS of purple and green, corraline algea...oh man, I can't WAIT until my whole tank is covered in it!

Okay, I'm getting way too excited over a fish tank. Nuh-uh. It's cool, I have reason to be. I've always wanted to build a reef tank and it's finally coming about. Woopie for me! Now it's that time again. Time to stop babbling on the internet and get back to work. Later!

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere'z fisshiez!

Guess who's home with me?! It's Ronnie poop! He's sick! Yay!



I mean...





The poor dear. I hadda come home an' take carr-uh him. So I'm throwing caution to the wind and risking getting sick to be home widda hubby. It's nice. He's hotter than hell, too. Running a fever of 102 or so. I'm gonna hafta be careful 'cause I can't afford to get sick right now. Eeesh... But it's still so nice to have his sick lil' ass here.



So here it is... My latest project!







Notice the enthralled kitties checking out alla new equipment.







Just started 'er up... Sand detrius is foggin' things.







The first bits of live rock, as you can FINALLY see them crisp and clear. The individual patterns on them are amazing! Even with barely anything on them in terms of visible life, they are beautiful...











It's gonna be so gorgeous!



So I've only had one major plumbing mishap. Seems I forgot to put the final clamp on the hose that returns water to the tank... The little submersible pump is one strong little fucker. I found out just HOW strong as I was trying to place the sump tank in a final position. Ron and Bam were watching t.v. and talking as I fiddled with shit. Next thing ya know...



*FFFFffffffshshshshssssshhhhhssscccchshshchchccccchffffffffsssshhh!!!!!!!*



AAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! UNPLUG UNPLUG UNPLUGGIT UNPLUGGITTT!!!! It'sa geyser in the livingroom!!!! I watched in horror as puddles of water flowed from under the cabinet, all over the carpet. I saw hope in the edges of the spilling water though...as they spread on the carpet, I noticed that the edges had air bubbles under them, that I had few precious seconds to grab towels from the hall closet and sop that shit up before it was absorbed! Low and behold, and to the utter amazement of the men on the couch, I successfully sopped that shit UP! WHOOOOOO!!!!!! *Whew*



Needless to say, I had Ron help me put a clamp on that damn thing right after I cleaned up the saltwatery, itchy mess. Yes, saltwater is itchy on your dry, hairy legs. It's spring now. Time to pull out the razor a little more often than twice a month. Mmmm-hmmm. That's my saltwater tank 'ventures so far. The next installment'll probably be in anther two weeks or so. I hafta take my time 'fore I add to thuh BiOLoAd. Yea, man.



I'munna go rub Ronnie's noe now. Later!

What a difference...

...a competent, calm employee who not only lets you give complete directions, but also LISTENS makes. She also finishes what she starts, follows directions and even has ideas of her own! And what's that? Initiative? Yep, she takes that, too. So far, the new employee is working out much better than the last one. She has a life outside of work like everyone else, but it does not take precedence over the work that needs to be done while she is here. She has a husband and two kids, but we don't have to hear about how much they annoy her all the time. She has the intelligence to understand that the boss is a good person and is the boss for a reason...and she doesn't take things personally. The best thing is that she smiles in the morning and even says, "Good morning". In other words, she is a normal human being, without the intense anxiety issues of the last one. I think we have learned from our mistake and have actually hired someone who values their job.

My boss has seen Mrs. Ex employee at church a few times. At first there were awkward hellos, now she just ignores my boss altogether. Although, the funny thing is that her daughter and husband are still nice and polite, and have continued to nicely greet her. She told me that after yesterdays service the daughter actually ran over and gave my boss a big hug. Yea, ex employee used to tell me all the time that her daughter was "different" and a little on the defiant side. I think that has a lot to do with the fact that her daughter is more like her father. Good for her. I feel sorry for the son. Mom's constant coddling is having an effect on him. He's the "baby" and has a shy personality, so there isn't much hope that he'll keep from becoming a huge, pussy-faced, momma's boy... Gee, how do I know so much about momma's boys, you ask? Well, I happened to date one for many years. UGHGHghghg... Okay, shake it off, shake it off...

I bet that bitch has even badmouthed me, as well as my boss, to everyone she knows. She will probably never acccept the fact that it is SHE who did this to herself. It sucks to have to fire someone...well, at least to good people it does. At the same time, it's very good realize that you can't waste any more time and money on a person. We learned that lesson the hard way, too. The current employee started at a lower rate and is on 90 day probation...then we are going to do an evaluation before we give her any more money. We will gauge her progress until then. We will also give her a chance to tell us how she feels about her job.

In other news, the fish tank is coming along. I will post pictures either tonight or tomorrow. I really want to keep progress pictures going because it's an all natural tank. I want to see the stages...how things grow and change and whatnot. So far I've only got pictures of the set up while empty, which were taken about a week ago. Over the weekend I added water, 35 pounds of live sand and about 10 pounds of live rock. The term "live" is derived from the fact that there are beneficial bacteria living on/in the rocks and sand. Now that I've got the tank running, I have to wait patiently for the next three weeks to a month while the bacteria multiply and get through the "cycling" part of the process. Then I will have a healthy biological filter of bacteria to convert the animal wastes into less harmful compounds (nitrates) that can be diluted every three weeks to a month when I do a partial water change.

Yes.

I am a huge fish geek. And proud of it! Soon I shall have my own little corner of the ocean in my livingroom. mUaHAHAhaHaHaahahaahhh... And how 'bout some irony? I took the freshwater tank down because of snails, right? Well, there I was all excited on Saturday night because there were a couple of snails on the live rocks I'd gotten. But these are cute saltwater snails with black and white striped shells. Plus, they don't multiply at ALL like the freshwater ones do. Yea.

That's all for now. I must get back to work...

But first, here is one of my favorite pictures from an email I received a little while back...



Wow, I know... I've posted a picture of an actual cute KID instead of an animal. It's just that I usually find pictures of pets so much more appealing than those of children...but this one got me, man. Those aren't bandaids! And lookit the liddle one 'round his liddle pee-pee! HAHAHAHAAHAHAA!!!!

Amazing things you can do with a laptop

Wow, I just paid my Sprint bill online, while sitting on the toilet takin' a shit.  Amazing, isn't it?  I love this thing.  

"Snowstorm" in California

Well hey, it's been another week already. Since I don't have much to talk about but the same crap, I think I will share the pictures from our little snowboarding adventure in Big Bear last month. I witnessed my first "snowstorm" on the way home. It was kinda scary...

First we have the beautiful slopes. The storm was below us for much of the day.



Then there are the lovely Big Bear accomodations for you to eat your $35 hamburger at...



Uh oh! Storm's comin' in, we'd better leave now! This was around 2 p.m. We'd been there since 8 a.m. so we wuz DUUnnnn...



Perdy...

*Gasp* It's starting to snow!







Oh dear...





Drive, Ron, DRIVE!





Slushies onna wind-ah...



Slushies onna wind-shiiiieeeellddd...



And then, after an hour and a half of sitting in snow traffic...



LOooooooooooks like we MAAAAAAAAAAADE IIIIIiiiiiiit!! Thanks, Barry. *whew*

And that is all for this entry. Oh wait...I posted this kewt pikkture ov Henry man on shitspace and I forgot to put it here, too.



Just lookidim. He did this all by himself. He also knows how to open the sliding door in the hallway. *sigh* Smart cats are a blessing and a curse.

Let's give it another try...

This is Fred the shrimp. Ethel is on the bottom and not visible in this picture. These are the shrimp that have been living in the little eco-globe I've had on my desk for the past two years. The algea that had clouded the sides for the past 6 months just sloughed off one day a few weeks ago and it's been crystal clear like this ever since. I love my little self-contained eco-globe thingy. Melanie gave it to me for my birthday. Every day I take a little break to watch Fred and Ethel do their little shrimpy thing. They get the food they need from the microbes and bacteria in the saltwater and the little tiny clump of algea. The algea also serves as the generator of their oxygen. Cleaning is done by the beneficial nitrifying bacteria, who convert the wastes given off by shrimp into less harmful chemicals. It's a perfect balance and it's beautiful.

The reason I decided to show off my little globe today? Well, I've decided to try my hand (and brain, and patience, and MONEY) at a saltwater aquarium again. Last time I attempted was five years ago, while I was living with my ex. He bought most of the equipment I needed (and didn't waste a second making me feel guilty about it if he wanted something from me) the last time around, so I didn't really get the right stuff. Plus, I had to leave the whole thing when I left him. This time, I've got a nice set up of my own. Uh, not quite set up though. I had to remove the freshwater set up that was in the tank first. Did that on Sunday and brought my surviving fishies to the store I trust for credit. I decided to do this because my tank has been a death trap since I got a snail break out in it about four months ago. Got this stuff called "Had a snail"... Riiight. It helped kill them, but it didn't get rid of ALL OF THEM. You have to kill every LAST ONE of those fuckers 'cause they're asexual. So they'd slowly start coming back and I'd add some more of the chemical to kill them. Their little shelled corpses slowly collected in my gravel. Corpses plus new, waste producing adults, were making my tanks ammonia levels go through the roof. I was gonna have to take the whole thing down anyway, because of the damn snails and the fact that I was bored with it.

Another deciding factor has to do with my friend, Bam. He's got a couple of nice buddies who opened up an aquarium shop in my area. He's been telling me to check it out for at least six months. I FINALLY made my way there this past weekend and was so glad I did. These people, along with the other fish store I trust, are going to help me a lot this time. I almost had it right the last time, I just wasn't patient enough and had some shitty equipment. This time, I'm going to take my time. I'm going to get the best equipment...I'm going to invest all I can so that I can get the result I want. I'm gonna go for the live corals. But that's probably not gonna happen for at least a year or two. I have to let the tank run empty (with live rock only) for the next four to six months. So this week I'm bleaching my tank. By Friday I should be ready to fill the tank with saltwater and get my equipment running. Then I'll be headed to the shop to start accumulating the 30 pounds of cured live rock I will need as my biological filter. Yea, I'm gonna go all fish nerd. WOO! This is gonna be fun!

I almost forgot!

Here are the latest sketches for the book...





I got together with the writer and colorist a few weeks ago to see how things were going. The colorist brought the drawings she'd finished and they were gorgeous. She's doing a beautiful job and I can't wait to see it all put together!

It's been done

This morning...we canned her. I felt bad, I even cried...but it just had to be done. We would have done it last week, but she was out sick until today. Last Wednesday she said she felt like shit, so I didn't think anything of it because she says she feels like shit every day. Turns out, she actually had the flu! So it gave my boss and I ample time to discuss her dismissal, look for a new person, interview a new person (THIS time it's a referral from a close friend) and train the new person. She'll be coming in a few more times for training and she'll officially start working here in two weeks. Wow. We're sneaky little bitches, aren't we?

Soon-to-be-let-go came in looking all gaunt and exhausted, with the usual scowl on her face. I was cordial, until my boss came in and sat her down for the talk. I felt all sorts of nervous and sad so I made a quick exit to the kitchen to make my coffee. I was still in earshot and heard my boss apologizing and her explaining her situation, through tears. Seems the troubles keeping her from doing her job properly are a little bigger than I thought. You were right, Witty, I don't think she is going to live in that mansion forever. Seems they're going to have to sell. Say it with me now, AAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!! I DO feel bad for them, it must be hard to have to scale down. But it's difficult for me to feel bad for anyone who owns a home in Californa right now. I'm just a little blinded by envy that I know I must get over. For now I'm gonna be a bitch... Awe, you're gonna have to sell and get something smaller, possibly without a yard the size of a baseball field. Boo-fucking-Hoo. Their house is not in forclosure or anything, they're just having a hard time because her husbands business is not doing that well. Not as well as he was doing when he worked for a big company, anyway. He was let go from that job, in the same industry, a few years back and decided to start his own business. Well, times change, businesses change, industries change...it sucks. But life must go on, huh.

I think that she was working just so they could keep up the lifestyle. I mean, you could tell little missy was used to the finer things in life. Well, not as fine as SOME, but... I had been to that giant house and saw that they were want for nothing. Sure, the kids are going to private school, the kids each have their own rooms filled with toys, there is nice furniture and antiques, missy charged lunch on the credit card almost every day, got her nails done...didn't look at all like they were struggling. It's because things have been going downhill for them, as they do for many people. They couldn't afford their lifestyle and keep that house as well. Yea. Boo-fucking-Hoo. It happens to the best of us, eh? Good thing her husband has a good head on his shoulders, right? Yea, count your blessings. We've all got problems. At least I don't have to hear about hers anymore.

Scrunch up yer face...

...and do a lil' dance, shake a lil' turd out the bottom of yer pa-ants!

Such beautiful lyrics, don't you think? Heard that on the radio the other morning and almost swallowed my cigarette. What would we do without artists? It'd be a boring, boring world...

I couldn't FIND him!

Toby flew off my shoulder and into the bedroom. I shooed the cats away and looked for him on the floor, on the window, on the pictures...
"Toby? Where ARE you Toby?! TOBY???!!! Where ARE YOU?
Nothing. No answer. No chirps. No buzzes. No beeps.
Silence...
...
...
...
...
...
OH THERE HE IS!!!


Little turd watched me searching for him for about ten minutes. And no, that's not a giant bag of weed behind him, it's actually a birds nest.
Yea. I had to share. He's such a darling liddle birdie bird.

That, and I had a nice rest of the week. Crazy woman was out sick yesterday and today so we got a much needed break from her incessant screaming. We also got a chance to interview another person for her position. A friend of a cousin... Nice girl, I think we're going to hire her. But first we gotta send missy packing. It's s'posed to go down on Monday. Let's see how it goes... *gulp*

Have a great weekend, ya'll.

A reminder

I found something today that really touched my heart...

I've had this little pink box in the back seat of my car forever, one of the few stragglers from the move. It usually resides in the closet or under the bed and it hasn't quite made it back there. This little box contains a few items from childhood, religious items. Holy cards, a crystal rosary, my very first bible, all from my First Communion when I was 7 years old. These items brought me back...didn't help that I was listening to Sirus and there happened to be a hip hop song playing...Heavy D. and the Boyz...I listened to them when I was 12.

As I sorted through, I came upon some more holy cards...these were different though. These were collected by my paternal grandmother, Antoinette. I miss her so. There were also various medals, Catholic medals of course. And then there were the pictures. Pictures from the 80s. Pictures of my family, my extended family, mama's old friends... And my uncle Alan. A Navy picture, I don't think he was more than 19. My uncle passed away from AIDS in 1991. He's another one I miss so much. Seeing that picture made my heart break and my eyes instantly fill with tears. Then I turned it over and read the prayer:

Who, Me?

I need to be forgiven
So many times a day
So often do I slip and fall
Be Merciful, I pray!
And help me not be Critical
When others faults I see
For so many times, my Lord
The same faults are in me.
Sound familiar? Just read the last entry over. This little discovery fell into place with so many other little things that have been happening for me lately. Good things. Things that have made me think seriously about where my life is going. I think I've hit some sort of milestone or something. It's like, I can see what I need to do...and for once I'm excited! NOT scared! Thank you for the reminder...

So I guess I've resigned myself

To being completely irritated by this woman.  This morning's conversation (whilst I prepared the morning coffee, 'cause she refuses to do so 'cause she doesn't know how 'cause her husband makes such WUNderful coffee in the morning do you think I've started to over use parenthesis?) went as follows:

Her: "I ME I I I I ME ME ME I ME II MEMEMEMEMEME IIIII!!!!!!"

Me: "Oh, really?  That's nice.  Oh, okay.  Hmmm...  Isn't that something..."

Her: "I HAFTA DO THIS AND I HAFTA DO THAT AND WHAT SHOULD I DO ABOUT THIS AND I'M GONNA DO THAT AND I HAFTA AND I NEED TO AND IIIII MEMEMEMEE I ME IIII MEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!"

Me: "Well, could you please..." 

*interruption*  

Still Me: "I NEED STAMPS, GO GET THEM WHEN YOU ARE OUT..." 

*interruption*

 ..."when you are out..." 

*interruption* 

..."WHEN YOU ARE OUT RETURNING THE WRONG INK CARTRIDGE THAT YOU ORDERED (*I'm thinking* AND GOT ALL PISSED OFF ABOUT [for a change] BECAUSE THEY SENT THE WRONG ONE), PLEASE STOP BY THE POST OFFICE AND BUY STAMPS. Thank you."

Her: "Okay...  III MEMEME I ME I ME II MEMEME III ME I ME..."

Me: "I'm gonna go downstairs now and get my shit started..."

Didn't hear her answer.  Had to get the fuck away.  I'll probably find out today about how much longer I have to put up with this shit.

Oh yea, and what did I say the other day?  That Ron and I would probably talk and shit?  Well, we did and it felt good, again.  I can say that we are making progress.  It just takes dedication and work, like anything else of worth.  And time.  And medication.  

YEA MEDS!  YOU ROCK!  I had to go one more evening without them.  I got there too late on Friday.  They close at five.  When I saw that the pharmacy was closed, I started to breathe heavy and felt a panic coming on...  I called Ron and started whining in his ear.  His sober response, though uncomfortable to hear at that particular time, actually helped me to calm down.  Not before I snapped at him, of course.  "Thanks for your wonderful understanding, darling.  Good bye..." It helped me calm down enough to gather my wits. I found some people still there at the front desk downstairs from the pharmacy.  I calmly explained my dilemma and they tried to help me, but everyone had left the pharmacy department for the day.  With that, I thanked them for their help and went foggily on my way. Oh well, I could live through another dizzy evening, I would just spend it in bed.  I drove home, focusing all of my energy (or as much as I could, anyway) on being calm.

Saturday morning I got my pills, downed a couple and waited for the dizzy, irritable, confused fog in my head to go away.  I tried to avoid fighting with Ron at that time, but it was inevitable.  We fought, but I feel like we gained something.  Because when we'd calmed down and discussed, he said some things that made a lot of sense.  Ah, but saying is one thing and doing is another.  That's where consistency comes in.  I have to be consistent, both in seeing that he respects my wishes AND seeing that I respect his.  Well, the ones that make sense to me, anyway.  HAHAHAHA!  

Okay, I must get on with my day.  I needed to get this out before I got to working.  On to another day of my phone ringing and hearing, "I JUST WANTED TO CHECK WITH YOU, TO MAKE SURE I WAS DOING THE RIGHT THING, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE I DON'T WANT TO FUCK ANYTHING UP, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE THAT WOULD BE TERRIBLE.  YOU KNOW I ALWAYS WANT TO CHECK WITH YOU..."  Even though I've told her no less than five thousand times how to do almost every task she's asked me about.  For the love of God, the universe and all that is beautiful and sacred, please give me the strength to be patient with this bitch *cough* nice person.

The End.

Then there's the nutjob at work

'Kay...'member the lady we hired at my job to help us with packing, invoicing and answering the phones?  Well, she's not working out too great for us.  I think we're gonna hafta shit can her.  And as much as she irritates me, I do feel bad about it.  It's a love (or rather like)/hate situation with her.  When she started here, I was so excited to have a new person to talk to at this place.  That was my first big mistake...talking to her...or at least TRYING to.  She is the type of person who talks so much that it seriously impedes her ability to get anything done.  She doesn't LISTEN, either.  

I mean, abrasive personality aside, it's gotten to the point where her mistakes are becoming too much and if she is allowed to continue, she will seriously fuck up our business.  She is simply not able to do the job that is required of her.  She can't multitask worth a shit, she's easily overwhelmed, she's afraid to answer the phone and she can't finish a task to full and correct completion.  It's very difficult to do all this new work I have to do, when the person doing my old job is still unable to do it...after SEVEN months.

*sigh*

Isn't it interesting the lessons life teaches us?  Sometimes it takes awhile, but things always tend to come around full circle in one way or another.  Five years ago, I was in her position.  I can completely empathize with her, as I made many of the mistakes she has made.  And my bosses made me feel just as awful about myself when I fucked up.  The big difference is that I regretted my mistakes, apologized and made sure I did a better job.  I LEARNED from my mistakes.  I realized that no matter what, this was my JOB and I needed it to survive!  Of course, no one is perfect.  I got lucky because the company was in a different place when I started here.  It was much slower.  Now that things have picked up so much, we need a competent person to do this job.  Someone we don't have to check up on all the time.

It's funny because just this past Monday, I mentioned to my boss that I wasn't sure this woman was going to work out for us.  I only mentioned it because the colorist for the book I'm working on is out of a job right now.  She's an intelligent woman who seems like she'd do a better job.  She has LISTENING skills!  I swear, never in my life have I ever understood what an actual skill listening is!  But we need someone for the long haul.  The job is not too glamorous, so we need to right person, one who won't want to leave after a few months.

I feel terrible for not liking this woman, but I can't take it anymore.  She is a sweetheart, basically a good person, but so unbelievably STUPID and OBNOXIOUS that it's making me not want to be around her at all.  I've enjoyed our conversations some days, but most of the time it's all about her.  And she BUTTS IN constantly, so you can't even finish your thought.  She'll jump in and finish it for you, often before she even knows what you're getting at!  Oh, and she's LOUD AS ALL HELL.  The woman does not know how to speak below 150 decibels!  I always have to take the phone away from my ear when she calls me to ask one of the same questions she's asked 60,000 times before.  It literally makes me wince...  The worst thing is that she's got uncontrolled anxiety disorder...and EYE KNOW what I'm talking about.  I have seen, first hand now, what I can become if I let my anxiety get out of hand.  The smallest things make her totally fly off the handle...  She said she used to be on meds, but got off of them because she was feeling better.  Typical...  

Another thing that really annoys the hell out of me is the fact that she sounds so ungrateful all the time.  She is always complaining about her kids, her husband, her life is so hard blah blah BLAH.  So the woman had a bad marriage to a drug addict 15 years ago and she is trying to annul that marriage so that her current husband can become Catholic and they can get married in the Church.  Ugh.  I'm sorry, but the Catholic Church is a PAIN IN THE ASS.  They're making her dig up her past and it's made her even more anxious and less able to think about her job.  It's like, NEWS FLASH, that's in the PAST!  I know it's hard to dig it up things, but you have to have a better attitude about it.  She acts like it all went downhill from her ex.  NO!  It didn't!  You met a great guy who gave you two lovely children, A HUGE HOME, STABILITY AND HE DOES THE FUCKING DISHES.  What more do you want?!  The ex is GONE!  Just rehash it to the fucking church and CHILL THE GODDAMN FUCK OUT! 

I would give my right tit to have a husband who would put up with as much SHIT as this woman puts her husband through!  Well, paint me green with jealousy 'cause my husband is never home, her husband  works from home and is always there at her beck and call.  She forgot her lunch?  No problem, hubby will drop it by.  She forgot the checkbook, no problem, hubby will drop it by.  She forgot to pick up the roast for dinner?  No problem, hubby will pick it up.  Oh, but he's an asshole because he hangs up on her all the time.  Gee, can we say COPING MECHANISM?!  If she screamed at me over the phone all the time, I'd hang up on her ass, too!  Then we have the house they live in.  Can we say HUH-EEWWWGE???  I don't think I'm EVER going to be able to afford a fucking one bedroom shack in California and here she is with a 5 bedroom, 3 bath 3200 square foot FORTRESS.  And she and my rich boss are always talking about real estate and shit because my boss happens to be doing her 1.2 million dollar piece of shit house over.  Meaning, tearing it to the ground an rebuilding it.  The woman lived in a 4 story 10,000 square foot mansion in Poland.  This house doesn't even come close to meeting her grand standards...

AnYwAy...I'm such a bitch.  You can't blame me though, this woman is an obnoxious little troll with halitosis.  She cannot do her job right.  She talks your ear off, doesn't even know what she's talking about half the time, is your typical spoiled, stupid American, SCREAMS everything she says, talks about coddling her children, gets terribly defensive whenever we discover yet ANOTHER mistake, breaks down crying, yelling, carrying on...  UGH!  She hasn't been in the work force for 15 years, so she has NO idea how to use a computer...yesterday she called my computer a SERVER for Chrissakes!!!!  She doesn't seem to know how good she has it here.  She would not have lasted NEARLY as long at a bigger company...or at most other companies, for that matter.  She talks incessantly about how much the boss bothers her, how much the boss is condescending toward her, blah blah blah blah blah.  I try to advise her not to let the boss get her so upset, that she should respect the woman, that she's just that way and DEAL WITH IT LIKE AN ADULT, YOU MORON!!!!!

Okay, I think I'm done venting.  We are in the process of looking for someone else.  Yesterday, she had another one of her conniption fits when we pointed out several mistakes she'd made on recent invoices.  Crying, clutching her face, loudly protesting that she SWEARS SHE DID IT RIGHT!!!!  At one point she was even standing at her desk, mumbling through tears and bubbles that her life was just too hard, this was too much to take, in addition to school, the kids, the annulment..."WHAAAH, life is SO HAAAaard!"  OH puke!  DEAL WITH IT LIKE AN ADULT, YOU MORON!!!!!  GET BACK ON YOUR MOTHERFUCKING ANXIETY MEDICATION, YOU FREAK!!!!!  If I've learned ANYTHING from her, it's the fact that I will NEVER be able to get off of anxiety medication.  NEVER.  I NEVER want to cry and bumble and freak out at my job again.  I've been so lucky in the past.  SO LUCKY.

Speaking of anxiety meds, I managed to run out again.  That's probably why this entry is so terribly long and full of caps.  I have great insurance now and I can't seem to get my shit together enough to pick up more medication BEFORE I RUN OUT.  I went to get it last night after work, made it there by 6:30 and the place was closed.  I thought it closed at 7.  I'm gonna hafta hightail it outta here and get to that damn pharmacy because I'm starting to get the terrible dizzy withdrawals again.  My head spins every time I get up and I feel so irritated, emotional and OUT OF IT.  I heard a song this morning and it made me instantly break into tears.  Look at me, bitching about this "psycho" I work with and I'm one also.  Hell, at least I'm SMART ENOUGH TO REALIZE IT AND KEEP IT UNDER CONTROL!  *Ahem*

Anyway, I think I'll post those lyrics later...they're lovely.  I gotta get some more shit done so I can get the fuck out of here, get my meds, go home and sleep.  Geez, what an entry huh?  I'll be back when I can think straight.  Later...

Just when you think...

You couldn't possibly communicate with your husband LESS during the week...

Guess what?  Now he's working at a fucking school that gets shitty cell reception.  So the phone is constantly searching for a signal, therefore depleting the battery unnecessarily.  So he turns it off when he goes to work.  Isn't that great?!  Could I POSSIBLY GET MORE ISOLATED over here??!  On top of that, it hasn't been a great week for us.  We had our usual circular argument about his crap all over the place again.  I think I'm doing better, I think I'm doing what he wants and then he has to get a dig in during one of our stupid phone conversations yesterday.  I tried to ignore it, but I got a little snippy because I am just TIRED of the whole conversation.  So then he goes to work and it's silence all night.  I texted him to no avail.  Then I get up in the morning and leave his sleeping carcass on the couch.  Is this how marriage is supposed to be?  This fucking SUCKS.  I really don't feel like this is healthy.  Okay, enough...I'm sure I'll have an update in a few days about how we talked and blah blah blah...  But will it ever get RESOLVED?  Like I've said before, I see counseling in our future.  

On to other shit...  This week, as a whole, hasn't been too great.  Monday I was stressed at work because I realized just HOW MUCH I have to do.  Both for work and the side project.  So I was trying to get shit done all day, hopping from one thing to the other 'til the day was finally over.  Then I went to meet up with the two girls Cathy for dinner and a hang out 'cause it'd been a while again since we hung out.  Lemme tell ya, trying to get to Cathy's apartment from a different direction (coming from work instead of home) is impossible.  EV-ERy time I try to go to her house from work, I get lost.  I thought I remembered the right way this time, until I found myself all turned around again.  Thank God for cell phones, right?  Well, now that you can only drive with a hands free device, I decided to pull over and call Cathy for directions from where I was.  Yea.  Call Cathy for the first time, start driving, get lost again, call Cathy for the second time, continue driving while she's explaining, think I know where I'm going, hang up, get lost, call for the THIRD time, start having the 'ol familiar panic attack on the phone, breathe, think I'm going the right way and hang up again, call for the FOURTH time (this time I totally freaking out behind the wheel) continue driving to where I think I'm s'posed to go, realize I'm going the wrong way again, scream in the phone to Cathy, apologize for freaking out on her, SUDDENLY REALIZE I'M GOING THE WRONG WAY ON A ONE WAY STREET, start screaming/crying, "OH MY GAWD, IT'S A ONE WAY STREET!!!!!" *BEeeeeeePPpp* *HONK* "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!"....

I finally made it to Cathy's a half hour late, but alive.  We had a good laugh at least.  The rest of the night was nice, we ordered some yummy Italian take out, talked and played on our computers.  Yes, come to find out good 'ol Cathie (the other one...hehe) has a MacBook, too!  So she started showing all the fun things I can do with iMovie.  She's so good at that program!  It's supposedly very easy to learn, as are many things on a Mac, but I need time.  I have to break down and read the 'help' instead of trying to figure it out myself.  So that was fun, got home late from that and waited up for Ron.  Got to say hi for about five minutes before I was dead to the world.

Tuesday was okay, I went for a nice jog, the first one I was able to go on since I wrecked my muscles snowboarding.  It was great because my calves didn't hurt like I expected them to.  It'd been a week since I exercised and my calves always get kinda burnie on the first jog in a while.  I guess all that burning on the mountain got 'em in shape!  Anyway, I got home and did my usual shit around the house, let the birds out...  Well, when it was time for birdy bed, everyone complied except for Mr. not hand tamed Punkin'.  Little shit flew out of the cage as I was getting ready to close the door.  So I got pissed and chased his little ass around the apartment, thinking I could kinda knock 'im out of the air onto the floor and cup him in my hands.  That wasn't working too well, especially when I grabbed the big birdie ladder I have and started swinging away, trying to corral him into a spot on the play gym where I could grab him.  Not a good idea.  In my haste, I accidentally knocked the poor guy off the back of the cage...  He hit the floor stunned.  GAWD I HATE THAT!  It made me feel so horrible I picked him up and stood there stroking his little stunned birdy head, crying my eyes out.  Then I could tell he was feeling a little better and coming to because he suddenly started biting the holy shit out of me, as he usually does when I have to restrain him.  I put him back in the cage and notice that his beak was a little scratched up.  I feel like such an asshole...  He seems okay, but he's still kinda quiet.  I'll see how he is tonight when I let them out.  Fuck...  Letting the birds fly free in the house is fun, but I have to remember to be careful.  I hope I don't lose this one.  *sigh*

Well that's about it for now.  I gotta go.  Oh yea, and I'm employing the new rule...when at work, I can only use the Mac to check emails/play around.  No more work computer playing.  I have to concentrate on work.  It's okay to take a break to check email once in a while, but I think having to do it on another computer will help me to cut back some.  Yea.  

Time to go and pick up that prescription I tried to get Tuesday but instead of waiting ten minutes like the little bitch behind the counter said, it turned into 40 minutes and I ran outta patience.  I hate errands.  Fuck.  Shit.  Bye.

Investment in the future

I'm am typing this entry on my brand new MacBook, purchased this past Friday.  I did it.  I invested in my future.  I am going to use this computer as a tool to help me with my art career.  It doesn't matter how long it takes me, I will be successful in one way or another.  Making money is always an option.  But being happy is the most important thing.  I think I'm on my way.  Never have I felt so good about making such a large purchase.  I figure that's a very good thing and I should go with it.  So I am.  And here we go...

Trippy week

My boss and I went to a local convention this week. Although it was pretty close to home, about an hour away (2 hours in horrible LA traffic), we decided to stay at the nearby hotel during the show.

I had dreaded this show for obvious reasons... Spending two whole days with my boss, being away from my husband and pets and all the lousy work that goes into displaying your company at a convention. There's packing the company van with all of the items we'll need, from our products to rubber bands and pens, unpacking the car when we arrive at the convention center, setting up the booth with a nice display of product (we had quite a large one), standing around doing nothing but selling for two business days (9 ~ 6, NO COMPUTER or INTERNET! AAAAAAA!!) and, of course, taking it all down and loading it all back into the car for the trip home. *whew*

Well, once again I am very glad I had this experience. I got a chance to really talk to my boss about what was on my mind. Tuesday night, after we'd set everything up, my boss and I had a nice dinner at the hotel restaurant. It felt so good to just be honest and lay it all out on the table. I was able to see just how many benefits I DO get from this job. I also realized, yet again, just what a great boss I have. She listens. She tries to help me in so many ways. She wants to see me be successful, either at her company or somewhere else. I think that she's more than just a boss to me, she is a mentor as well. I've learned so much from her and I can't forget that.

The last entry was the result of letting someone get into my head again, making me think that they know better than me. Of course they mean well, but...

*sigh*

Damn insecurity! It STILL has to creep up on me! DIE, INSECURITY, DIE!!!! I have to remember that only I know what's best for me. Yes, I am at my five year mark at a company and it made me think about my future goals. That is a very good thing. This trip made me reassess those goals and realize that I am indeed on the right track. I should keep doing what I'm doing because it is right for me. Now, this doesn't mean I'm going to put blinders on and not look at any other opportunities. It's still a good idea to keep your eyes open an' that's what I'ma gonna do. 'Cause I have more talent than I realize. YES I DO!

Now, onto other things... The only other thing, actually...Ron and I went snowboarding in Big Bear on Sunday! Since his mom lives an hour into the trip, Ron decided it would be a great idea to take her to dinner and spend the night on Saturday night, then get up eeeeeeeeearly and head up the rest of the way to Big Bear. It was such a FABULOUS weekend!!! We enjoyed his mom and our day in the snow. I hadn't been boarding since my first time almost two years ago, but it's like I picked up where I left off. Don't get me wrong, I still SUCK, but I'm getting better! Yes, I still fell on my ass several times, but I managed to get more of a feeling for actually staying UP longer. AND, I was wearing all my own gear, including new boots! So I felt much more comfortable and had a great time.

We knew it was a risk go up on such a stormy predicted weekend, but it turned out perfect. It was a gorgeous day because we were above the storm most of the day, until it moved in at around 2. Then we had to drive down the hill in a snow storm! We were VERY lucky to get off the mountain. Poor Ron was so nervous driving that he got a nose bleed! Poor guy... It was awesome to watch a snowstorm...me being a native Califronian, I think this was my first! Even in the car, driving down scary snowy roads (we were in traffic tho, so it went really slow) I felt so excited and...unbelieveably COZY. Crazy, I know, but it was SO FUN!!! And talk about a hilarious coincidence, we turned on the radio as soon as we got off the mountain and it was Barry Manilow belting out, "Looks like we MADE IIIIiiit!" HAH! Perfect.

So that was my week. In' it LOVELY?! Yea. 'Kay, I've gotta work work work now. I wanna get this shit done so's I kin go HOME! Happy Super Bowl, ya'll!